Tip the veal, try your waitress.


In case you didn't already guess, this blog is about gratuity, tipping, alms for the poor, whatever you want to call leaving money for a food service professional. As a proud waiter/bartender I feel the need to educate the ignorant masses in the art of leaving a proper gratuity.


Let's start off at the bar. Provided you are not a regular at the establishment you are in tipping at a bar is pretty easy. A safe bet is to leave a dollar or two for each drink brought to you (we'll say a buck for beer, two bucks for mixed drinks) Feel free to let the dollars accumulate in front of where you are a sitting, a polite bartender will not pick up any cash until you leave. Now, when you decide to leave you must leave a tip for the time you spent there. Never less than five and you should adjust for how long you spent occupying a seat. Let's say you and your significant other come see me at beautiful place where I work(there is an advertising deal in the works until then I shan't use my employers name). You consume four beers and your significant other has 2 martinis over the course of one hour. You should leave 6-8 bucks of the drinks and at least another five for the time I had to spend enlightening your live with witty shit you would never have thought up on your own. If you are a regular somewhere tip over the amounts I have stated or you will be talked about behind your back and we will give you the skunky batches of beer and shittiest liquor imaginable.

Now while eating at a table tipping etiquette is far simpler. A flat 20% will just fine. Now I hear you all saying "what about double the tax?" This is fine for small checks (under $150) once you start getting into the $200 plus are 20% is what is expected. As always please feel free to leave more if you feel the service is exceptional. Remember I live off of your generosity.

Britney Spears. You all know who she is, you all know what she has become. Essentially she has become a punch line for late night talk show host and those vapid douche bags on the fucking E! channel. I for one think its a sad commentary on American taste if we can find humor in this young woman's disease. I am not saying I like her music or her whorish image, but to pick on a sick person with a legitimate disease is just fucking lame. If you think she looks fat at the VMAs, fine, run with that. Hell, I hate fat people and I am one of them. If you think she is a whore and want make fun of that, fine. I have no problem with whores, in fact I think slutty chicks have a better outlook on life than those repressed uptight bitches (plus promiscuous girls are more likely to let me fuck them) But making fun of her alcohol/drug problem, that's week. Its like making fun of a cancer patient for having no hair. The fact that the general populous gets such a sense of Schadenfreude from seeing this one bright starlet fall so far into the depths of addiction just sickens me. If seeing someone else in such a bad state gives you joy please slit your own fucking throat and do us all a favor.

What I think makes this such a great tragedy, in the Greek sense of the word, is that she has so much to lose. Fame, money, two kids, and a great career, all down the shitter because of coke and booze. I can only think so many people jumped on the Britney Hatin' because of sour grapes. Sorry about your menial job and shitty family life but some people are bound to have more or do more with their lives and if you can't handle that and feel the need to pile on them when they are down, well that is as much a commentary on the state of affairs in your life as much as Britney Spears'.

So far I have only seen one late night comic who has taken the high road and not used Britney as joke fodder and that is Craig Ferguson. Mr. Ferguson has had his own problems with alcohol and realizes what an awful disease it can be. Kudos to Craig Ferguson for being a classy chap.



PS I could give a fuck about Britney Spears, I just wanted to use Schadenfreude in a sentence

This is my first blog. I have joined an elite group of people that I think should be wiped off the face of the year. Yes dear reader, I think bloggers belong in the same mass grave as religious conservatives, the starting line up of the 1993 Chicago Bulls, people who own Nextel cell phones, girls who say "kisses" when parting company with someone and most children. This is self loathing at its finest. What I hope to accomplish with this internet forum is simple, I hope you get depressed enough from my nihilistic and misanthropic ramblings that you kill yourself, thus preserving more food, air, lanes on the parkway, bandwidth and various other essential commodities for my self and loved ones (who's number is ever diminishing) If you think you know maybe you can learn something new about the inner workings of my "soon-to-be-lobotomized-by-drugs-and alcohol" brain. If you don't know hopefully this blog will convince you to never learn more about me. Fair Warning: I plan on discussing a variety of topics (relationships, substance abuse, music, movies, literature, TV, philosophy, and sports) I will be using some rather salty language and if that offends you I have one small piece of advice: Get in a nice warm tub and throw in the nearest plugged in appliance, censorship is for weenies.

Today's internet post is about....the internet! While surfing the internet I came upon an adult website. Now when I say adults only I thought it we be about boring adult things: preparing an income tax statement, procuring car insurance, balancing a check book, visiting in-laws. Lo and behold this site featured barely legal Asian teens getting fisted. Now this in not my cup of tea (I prefer straight up guy on girl with a little degradation like spitting into the open mouth of your partner, chocking, slapping, hair pulling and donkey punches) but I noticed a side bar advertising horny girls in my hometown. It appears 3browneyesQT of Bellmore NY was hot for some deep dicking action. Since I had no plans for the next few minutes I decided to click on the link and hopefully find some contact info for this little local nympho. I was then sent to another adult page featuring horny lesbians living in the same home with a taste for ass to ass dildoing. There was no mention of 3browneyesQT. Obviously the internets were broken. I quikly hit the back button and returned to the previous page. There was the picture of 3browneyes but she had a different name. Now she was sexkitten69. Something was amiss. This little tramp was playing with my emotions. I clicked on the link again hoping some go getter internet geek fixed the problem and continued on my quest for some easy internet slut lovin'. Again I was redirected to the page of these very attractive girls who seemed to have no other responsibilities other than sun bathing, sex toy shopping and tawdry lesbian sex. I at least hoped to find an e-mail address for this very elusive tart so I could tell her it was over, please never try to contact me again. After thoroughly probing the lesbo-dildo site I came up empty handed. I returned to the previous page and found pictures of new girls who's name would probably change with each mouse click and decided my time was better spent writing this blog. Boy was I wrong.